Drowning

Just once I would like to be the direction someone else is going.
I don’t need to be the water in the well.
I don’t need to be the well.
But I’d like to not be the ground anymore.
I’d like to not be the thing people dig their hands in anymore.
Some girls know all the lyrics to each other’s songs.
They find harmonies in their laughter.
Their linked elbows echo in tune.
What if I can’t hum on key?
What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?
Some people can recognize a tree,
A front yard, and know they’ve made it home.
How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking?
How long before I’m lost for good.
It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning.
It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself.
But I keep swallowing what I thought was air.
I keep finding stones tied to my feet.

Girl

Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt
Soft and asleep in the morning gray
Shake off the night and don’t hide your face
The sun lights the world with a single flame
I want you to see this
I want you to see this

Today and all of your days, I’ll wear your pain
Heal what I can in your troubled mind
Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time
And the beauty in that can be hard to find
I want you to find it

I want you to see this
I want you to see this

So run, wake up and run, my little one
I wanna tear down these walls that can’t hold you inside
And rip out the cords and uncover your eyes
We’ll make our escape in the dark of night
I need you to see this

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

Girl, you’ll see the world
And you’ll come to learn
That falling in love is a strange work of art
All of your battles will shape who you are
And know that your scars are my favorite part
I want you to know this

(Beautiful music & lyric by Syml)

Relapsing

So something snuck up on me today; mourning for a life I could have had without depression or anxiety or borderline disorder. This life I always thought I would have. The life I can see crystal clear that looks nothing like the one I am living. A deep, intense mourning I don’t know how to move through, I don’t know how to do with, I don’t know how to run from.

So I sit in the corner of my room for hours with my silent tears and my emotions, after making some cuts on my left hand. And I know recovery comes in stages. I did not know that grief was one of them, but here it is, unexpected and unwelcomed and showing up anyway.

So this is me reaching out while having a relapsing meltdown, grasping to join with anyone who might also be hurting and in pain right now. We are in this together… With this process, we are allowed to be fed up. We are allowed to be pissed off and exhausted. We are allowed to slip up. The work that we’re fighting for is a special kind of hell for all of us. If you are going through this hell right now, just knowing that you are in a good company.

Blackbarn Coffee, Nov 3rd 2018

Menunggu

Terasa absurd rasanya ketika ia mencoba membayangkan rasa sakit ketika ia sedang tidak merasakannya. Terasa lucu ketika ia beranjak, membuka pintu, dan mencoba melihat isi hatinya dari luar. Meno’ong, itu mungkin lebih tepat. Mengintip sedikit melalui lubang kunci, berharap cemas dan akhirnya menjadi lebih cemas karena tidak melihat apa-apa yang dapat membuat ia mengerti.

Berdiri ia, bersandar ke dinding dan membiarkan pikirannya terbang melalui jendela yang terbuka. Ah ya, rasa sakit. Ia pejamkan matanya perlahan, mungkin bisa membantu memfokuskan rentetan perasaan yang berserakan.

Tapi ia hanya berhasil menambah satu kerut lagi di keningnya.

Ah ya, rasa sakit…

Betapa mudah ia bersembunyi di depan mata. Sebenarnya ia tidak kemana-mana. Ia hanya menunggu di ambang pintu, melipat tangah di depan dada, bersandar ke dinding tepat seperti apa yang sedang ia lakukan sekarang. Menyeringai, mungkin, atau bersiul senang. Menunggu undangan, menunggu celah sekecil apapun untuk dapat masuk dan memadamkan secercah cahaya yang tertinggal.

Jangan salahkah ia, ia sangat dibutuhkan.

Ia dapat menjustifikasi keberadaan kita, mengalahkan sejenak rasa bersalah kita dalam pergulatan yang membingungkan. Ia tampak begitu gagah, memeluk kita dengan kedamaian yang datang melalui penghakiman diri sendirii. Betapapun ia disangkal dan diusir di mana-mana, ia sangat dibutuhkan.

Dan ia akan selalu diundang masuk, bersama temaramnya lilin.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I don’t know who will give me strength
Whispering ‘God, help!’ but my heart is turning away
Sometimes I really don’t know who to turn to
I try to look around, but no one…
Nobody gets that deep to be able to really feel me.
I
am
overwhelmed.

Breaking down

We don’t necessarily know how to hear stories about any kind of violence, because it is hard to accept that violence is as simple as it is complicated, that you can love someone who hurts you, that you can stay with someone who hurts you, that you can be hurt by someone who loves you, that you can be hurt by a complete stranger, that you can be hurt in so many terrible, intimate ways.

With age comes self-awareness, or something that looks like self-awareness, and so I try to be on the lookout for patterns of behavior, choices I’m making where I’m trying too hard, giving too much, reaching too intently for being right when right is what someone else wants me to be. It’s scary, though, trying to be yourself and hoping yourself is enough. It’s scary believing that you, as you are, could never be enough.

Part of the reason relationships and friendships can be so difficult for me is because there is a part of me that thinks I have to get things just right. I have to say the right things and do the right things or I won’t be liked or loved anymore.
I was never going to be good enough, but I tried so hard. I tried to make myself better. I tried to make myself acceptable to someone who would never find me acceptable but kept me around for reasons I cannot begin to make sense of. I stayed because they confirmed every terrible thing I already knew about myself. I stayed because I thought no one else would possibly tolerate someone as worthless as me. I stayed through infidelity and disrespect. I stayed until they no longer wanted me around.

Self sabotaging

 

I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do not recognize. But I don’t know how to let it go. I’m so good at the beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.

Stay afloat

Sometimes you find yourself trying to let go of something
But it’s like you have been swimming in the ocean
For a very very long time
And you feel like you belong there
You are one with the waves
The warmth of the water
And your body moves in sync with the ocean
And you swim around just trying to stay afloat
Then you get tired and you start to drown
And you swim back to land
When you get there you just feel so heavy
Because you lost touch with gravity for so long
And you collapse on the beach
As you try to find balance again
And then your feet finds gravity
You stand up and you look at the horizon one last time
And just know that no matter how beautiful the sea was
And how good it made you feel it was never yours for you to keep
And someday’s you will miss it, you know
And you feel yourself moving with the waves
And you dream of diving in
Then you realize your feet was meant for land
And not cut out for the ocean
Maybe you’re meant to climb trees
Or hike hills or just run really fast
Letting go is not easy
There is nothing quite like swimming in the ocean
Just like how it’s natural for your feet to find gravity
It’s natural for you to let go
And find your true purpose in life again
The sea is the sea
And you are just you
I have to let go
But sometimes I find myself waking up at the beach again.

EK, 2018

 

In vain

my poems have now gone awry
as are my words that are often intended to be of the aesthetics
have turned sour and rigid, white and pale as the moon
talk with me slow or just read it slow
for there are no words left can be spoken
this what my mind speaks where my heart rebels as always
this what my mind wants where my heart repels still to want you so much more
and everywhere and nowhere i hear you awkwardly laughing,
but it’s just my head
again, i plunge into solipsism
to whom to which to what this feeling is associated to and with
i must vanish for it to vanish..
i must journey far beyond solipsism
sadly, there are nowhere to journey to
but the realm of thoughts and feelings
in which you forever exist to me
a bad taste in my mouth yet still a coffee to my mornings, days, evenings, and nights
what a stupid anomaly what the self afraid of and what the self need is
you.

When will we be full?

Sometimes I can’t help holding my breath
watching our life goes by
time flies and sometimes we are too far behind
dying inside, pretending we are alright

I always wonder
when we will be full and feel full
we only want to make it through,
just make it through

The days, the years are still unkind
and sometimes there is no door to knock
when will we stop feeling less loved?
less than what we always want ourselves to be?

It’s funny how people crawl in their solitude
together they feel so alone
hiding behind thick wall
waiting for each other to finally break it
and help them face the sun

oh dear love..
I want to stare your eyes, hold your hand forever,
I want to understand you deeply even in the most darky silence..
but we are weak creatures denied the certainty
I can now only stare at the long road
deep inside so scared of waiting in vain

How many nights do we have to spend feeling vacant?
how much pain should we keep inside to metastasize?
Can’t we reach for each other’s hand,
and let our hearts resonate?